|I think we should do a cakewalk to board the plane…yay!|
Preboarding – those that need a “little extra assistance” – forthwith comes a platoon of parents with children, some in strollers, some toddlers but then also those of grade school and high school age (possibly even graduate programs?) as well as their entire extended families and people they just met in the boarding lounge offering to carry their water bottle.
Next are invited the Platinum, Gold, Silver, Aluminum Foil and Platypus Plush Beanie Baby Aadvantage members
Now the Blue Leaf, Red Leaf, Tea Leaf, Autumn Leaf, Spleef Thief, Tribal Chief,, etc.
Moving on to –
Group 1 (I’m group 3)
Blue Man Group
People that have never used Google
Boyz 2 Men
The Man Who Would Be King
The boarding lounge now resembles Times Square in the aftermath of a tickertape parade and is empty save myself and a small family of invisible gnats I have named The Snoots.
Fiiiiiiinally I am allowed to board and it is readily apparent that despite the incredible strategy and planning that went into such a boarding endeavor, the process is in complete chaos. People sitting in window seats need people already seated in their aisle seats to take off their seatbelt to let them in, (gee, didn’t they mention this flight was full about 46 times? Why settle in like a hibernating bear already?) someone in row 17 is struggling to shove their dodecahedron-ly shaped, bulging, overly heavy bag (anvils anyone?) in the overhead thereby preventing rows 18 and beyond from access, babies are screaming, adults are sighing, oxygen is scant and I’m digging for that tiny bubble of humor hidden deep (deeeeeeep) in myself and reserved for arduous situations such as this. I turn and smile at the man behind me. His grimace changes and he gives me a reluctant at first then genuine smile in return. Ahhh… made it.
But just one thing…all Rube Goldberg-esque contraption ideas aside (though if the seats on the plane detached and deposited arriving passengers Disneyland ride style into the terminal and departing passengers got into their seats and could be whisked onto the plane…) another option might be to of course to still allow preboarding and ok, fine, allow your Super-Duper Double-Secret Titanium People to board but everyone else lines up by row number, two abreast, back of plane to front, window to aisle, 30A, 30B, 30C next to 30F, 30E, 30D, etc…No? I should probably just let it go? Or maybe I should just start Xanax-ing up like everyone else? Help?